Check In, Check Up, Check Out

I can sum up the past few weeks in one word. Blah. Or possibly !$^%#&*^$!!

I don't know why, but apparently I don't handle stress well anymore. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe I'm getting wiser (knowing when too much is enough and internally rebelling, if not outwardly), maybe I'm just getting lazy or finally going completely insane.

Whatever the reason, the fact to deal with is I don't handle it well. Maybe I should define stress - I'm talking about anything that leaves me feeling like I have more to do than time to do it, with the sub-definition of having so much I have to do that I don't have time for what I want to do.

I've hit a point in my life that has eluded me for many years - getting to be creative again, getting to make things. I've always made things, as long as I can remember. In my 20s, when I was first married, then later divorced and on my own for the first time, I made things all the time. I was always sewing, or crocheting (hadn't learned to knit yet then), along with small forays into other creative endeavors.

For a long time I fell out of doing those types of things. Not long after my mom first got sick, in 2001, I taught myself to knit, and through that 6 year long downward spiral, I knit all the time. Then, for quite awhile after my dad passed away, I didn't even do that.

Just recently I feel like I've finally climbed out of whatever rabbit hole I had fallen into over the past decade, and things shifted drastically. I've experienced a new surge of creativity, and the longing to indulge it. To make things again.

I started sewing again, and I'm working on making my own clothes, personally tweaked to express my own personality. I've gotten re-interested in beading, and have some ideas for some prayer beads I'd like to make, and take to a local shop I think might be willing to sell them on consignment, and I'm also considering an Etsy account (not because I'm looking to make a bunch of money, but because I want to make something, and then do something with what I make). And, there are some personal jewelry items I'd like to make, as well.

I recently became re-obsessed with the book I wrote, then lost when my laptop was stolen - I seriously want to re-write that book.

And those are just the big things. I also still like knitting (and would at least like to finish the baby blankets I've got going), and there's reading I want to do, and some painting projects I want to do, and some embroidery projects.

There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't freaking find time to do them. Okay, maybe it's asking a lot to have time to do all those things, but right now I can't even find time to do any of them.

The other side of that coin is work. To be fair, I don't "hate" my job ... I know I always say that, but it's not entirely accurate. The individual tasks I do each day aren't that awful. My boss, while being a bit of a ... no, I really shouldn't say that on a public blog - is underneath it all a pretty good boss. I mean, yesterday I went in an hour and 15 minutes late, and didn't even call in (just feeling rebellious), and he never said a word about it, in fact I don't even think he noticed. I asked to leave early today because we have a show tonight, and he was totally okay with it. He's pretty easy, when you get right down to it.

But the work is completely and totally overwhelming. It is deadline after deadline after deadline, with never an hour to just take a deep breath or take my time on any project, it's always non-stop rushing. Things that don't (or didn't when I got them) have deadlines get shoved off to the side, and I can't get to them at all - until so much time has gone by they've turned into an emergency, because of clients finally getting pissed off that their work's not done, or because of the simple passage of time (work on a case that doesn't have court for 3 months isn't a fire, until 2 1/2 months have passed and I couldn't get to it).

I'm so sick of the hamster-in-a-wheel-on-crack feeling that my job invokes. I've been told "just ignore the pressure, do what you can, and that's got to be good enough." That doesn't really work, for 3 reasons. These tasks have legitimate, court-imposed deadlines. If I blow them, it's my boss that gets in trouble, not me - but the doodoo trickles downhill, and that's the one time he'll be a raging asshole - when I cause him to blow a deadline. The second reason is my own stupid conscience - I just can't know that something has a deadline, and not be concerned about getting it done. The third reason is the clients, who will call and start yelling at me if things take too long, yet I'm not allowed to tell them 'the truth' - I'm too busy to get to your work right now. Every client has to be made to feel if they are the most important client we have, but I don't know how to do that when I can't stop what I'm doing and deal with their personal emergency.

I "should" go in and work a little overtime to get caught up, but (a) I have no time for that either, and (b) I just don't want to. The 37.5 hours a week I spend there already feel like too much, I get almost physically ill at the thought of spending any more time there. I routinely go in late because, even when I'm up early enough to get there on time, I just can't seem to force myself to do it. I procrastinate and screw off morning after morning, just unable to get motivated. (this morning's a good example, I'm currently on track to be about 15 minutes late again today, and just can't drum up the motivation to care).

So I come home mentally exhausted, with no energy to do anything else except muddle through dinner, veg in front of the TV for an hour or two, and go to bed.

I'm getting really sick of it. But I'm unsure what to do about it.

I would love to quit this job, but ... gotta make a living. Unfortunately now, with the big-ass house, gotta make a good living. I'd like to cut my hours to part time again (I did that once before, and it was one of the best things I ever did in life; it's also when I wrote the first draft of the now-lost book). But (a) I've done the math and am unsure I could live on those cut wages now, and (b) more difficult to overcome, I'm pretty sure my boss would never go for it. I mean, I can't get my work done now as it is. He would be totally unwilling to work out any compromise, like hiring another part-time person to do the work I couldn't get done. I could just say "I'm doing this, period" - it is still a free world, I'm not slave labor. But his stance would be, you still have to get your work done, period. And if I can barely do it in 37.5 hours, it's damned unlikely I'm going to get it done in less. Cutting my hours but making my job even more un-doable isn't probably going to help.

I do know that right now part of the reason I'm on duty overload is because of the band. I love the band, I love making music, I especially love playing fiddle. It's just an overwhelming time for the band right now, because we have shows tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday; 2 or 3 shows on St. Patrick's Day (there was a 5:00 a.m. thing going on, but I think my brain finally snapped on that one, and I'm not going to be able to do it), another show that Friday night, and a private party Saturday night. It's been non-stop playing or practicing lately, and it's really just a lot. It's totally pre-empted regular life for awhile. Like, this weekend - we have three gigs, but I still have to find time to make a grocery list, go to the grocery store, cook for the dog, and even if I don't make us full meals, I have to eat something. I have to do laundry. I mean, life goes on, despite how over-booked it is right now.

Because of that, my other interests have been slid off the back burner and dumped somewhere else entirely. The sewing project has been abandoned. I can't find time to sit down and make the bead order, so I can get to work on my first design. I've had no energy to knit (so two almost-done baby blankets are languishing).

I know this band schedule is temporary, I get that. The job problems aren't, and the issue of finding time to pursue my other goals is not.

The bottom line is, life is totally out of balance right now, and I not only hate it, I'm unwilling to accept it or let it continue. But I haven't yet figured out how to fix it. But I know me, and I know the warning signs ... if I don't fix it soon, a good old-fashioned melt down is brewing.