Still Here

It's been awhile since I wrote. I thought I'd check in, though not much is going on.

I performed surgery on Spike (the netbook) this week. One of the reasons I hadn't been doing anything that involved a lot of typing is, after spilling that drink into Spike's keyboard, I felt fortunate that it hadn't killed him, but the keys were very sticky. It had been getting worse and worse, and finally last weekend I couldn't take it anymore. So I popped all the keys off and cleaned everything.

It's better, but still not quite 'right' - not totally back to normal. I think that's because I didn't actually remove all those little 'scissors mechanisms' and clean inside them - I just cleaned the tops of them, and around the sides. But apparently some of the stickiness is from the gunk having gotten actually inside those mechanisms.

I don't yet know what I'm going to do about that. I don't relish the idea of taking the keyboard apart again, and worse, having to take all those little mechanisms apart - getting those back together is a major pain in the ass. (I didn't remove them this last time, which is probably why it's not as clean as it could have been).

But it is better than it was, so that's something. Maybe I'll just do a couple at a time, over however long it takes to get through them all.

The band took a break after the season, but we'll be starting back up this weekend. I needed the break, but I'm kind of looking forward to getting back to it (which is a good thing). We're going to start working on our CD, which I'm kind of psyched about. I wrote a new song last week that I want to work on.

And even better, we're getting a wonderful weekend of warm weather. It's going to be in the high 70s the rest of the week (well, after today) and maybe in the 80s Saturday. Totally awesome. I'll get to go play in the yard.

Something's going wonky with my truck - it's making a scary grinding noise from somewhere underneath near the back, not all the time, just randomly and sporadically. I took it in to my regular mechanic yesterday, but he couldn't find anything wrong. The next step, I guess, would be to take it to the local Ford garage and have them maybe actually take things apart and look inside, but I dread that hassle (and expense).

However, I don't want to spend our first beautiful 80-degree Saturday sitting at the Ford dealership, but I am also concerned about letting this go. So I'm torn as to what to do about that this week.

And that's why I haven't been writing. Nothing else interesting at all going on. But, I just heard the Poo squeaking his toy, which means he's awake, so I'll go say good morning to him.

Tara's Fire - Live video

A couple of my favorites. There are more if you go to YouTube and type "Tara's Fire" in the search box.

Yep. This Is Officially Cool.

Seems I've done it ... pushed through the performance anxiety. Last Saturday must have just been 'first time jitters.' I've played several shows since then with no problems at all. A thousand 'yays' for that.

Friday night I was jazzed, and the place was great, and things went swimmingly. Yesterday afternoon was the other end of the spectrum. I was most definitely not jazzed, I was exhausted and very much not in the mood to play. Then we had delays - we were all set up and ready when a herd of step dancers took over our space. We knew they were going to be performing before us, and a space had been cleared for them, but what I didn't expect is how they slid in amongst our amps and mic stands as part of their 'staging area.' I got pinned into this corner of the bar and couldn't get out, couldn't get to my drink I'd ordered, couldn't grab my jacket and go have a cigarette ... and they were on for far longer than we anticipated (we thought 10 or 15 minutes, it was more like 30 to 40 minutes).

Totally threw me off my game, I was annoyed.

Then, after we started, my monitor quit working, and the owner came over four times and told us to turn our volume down. By the time he was done, we could barely hear ourselves. If you didn't want an "Irish rock band" you shouldn't have hired us. You heard the demo.

As a last woe, the audience was less than receptive. It was something after 5:00, it was mostly a dinner crowd, and they initially just weren't that into us.

But, all that aside, things picked up. I had a couple drinks, and decided to follow advice I've been given several times - play for me, because I'm having fun - don't worry about them. And it worked. We ponied through, things got a little more jovial, and we ended up having a pretty good time.

Because the owners also mis-timed things, we had to cut our show short, which means that towards the end we were just picking and choosing songs to play, not following the set list at all, but in the end it all worked out. We met some great fans who were really into us, and may even come out to Youngstown to see us tonight or on St. Pat's.

So all's well that ends well, and the bonus? I woke up this morning, and I thought "We played Friday night. We played yesterday. Now we're going to play again today, and you know what? I'm looking forward to it!"

I think I found my musical niche. I never enjoyed playing in the band this much before, when I didn't play fiddle. Now, I'm like, "another gig? rock on!" Too cool.

My domestic life is falling apart - the house is a pig sty, dishes haven't been washed in days, laundry all over the bedroom. I hate that, but there's nothing I can do about it. I can't be a rock star and a domestic goddess all at the same time. (just ignore the fact that I'm neither, it was an analogy).

I think my day job is about to fall apart as well - I was seriously behind, and knew I needed to pull a couple hours of overtime to get caught up, but there's simply no time for it. With the weekend's day/afternoon shows, there was no time to go in early and still get home in time to get ready and go to the gigs. I can't work over Monday or Tuesday because Greg will be working 12 hour days and I can't leave Tyler alone that long. Next weekend is more of the same - a show Friday night (late!) and a private party Saturday. So, the day job work is just going to have to wait till I have time to catch it up - something my boss isn't going to be very happy about, but ... I'm busy making music.

Addendum To Last Post

This is why I like to write things out ... when I just think (and stew, and mull), things just spin around in my head and little gets resolved. It seems that when I write them out, I do much better at coming up with actual solutions.

After I posted this morning, I went down and talked to Greg, and said that for the next several weeks (at least) (personally I'm thinking to make this permanent, more or less) I wasn't going to be planning or cooking dinners each night. He could either choose some things to have on hand (frozen dinners, soup, whatever) that he could fix himself, and give me a list or go to the store with me to get it, or he could cook.

I knew he wouldn't mind, because when I say Greg's the best boyfriend in the world, I'm not just saying it to hear myself talk. He really is. I always knew he wouldn't mind, he's told me he didn't care if I cooked dinner every night or not. I mean, he deeply appreciates it when I do, but doesn't expect it of me. No, that was my own fault, I was just raised to believe that it's the woman's job to provide her family hearty, nutritious (ish) meals on a regular basis.

So it was my own conditioning I had to get over, nothing about him I had to 'fix.' And as I expected he was totally okay with it. In fact, he came up with a plan that combines several solutions. He's agreeable to picking up some 'easy meals' like I mentioned, but he also mentioned how he likes to cook, and would be perfectly agreeable to cooking us dinner when he can (he works screwy hours and isn't always home in time to do that).

Unlike me, he doesn't operate on the 'plan ahead' system when it comes to meals, so he'd not be the one to make a weekly menu plan and grocery list. We decided we'd stock up on a variety of meat (frozen) and pantry staples, and then when he had the time and inclination, he'd whip us up some interesting dinner from whatever was on hand.

I love this plan! I don't have to cook, unless I want to. Occasionally we'll still get to have 'real dinners' - and they'll be good, because Greg's a great cook - and otherwise I can forget that issue entirely.

There. One problem solved. Baby steps.

I'm coming more and more to realize that I must yet again re-write my life, re-stage it to fit who I am now and what I want to do. And that is just one step on the way (but a huge one!).

So maybe there's hope after all.

Off to a gig at the Lemon Grove in Youngstown tonight. I'm actually excited, looking forward to it. I used to get such horrible stage fright, and I'd dread every show. I discovered Saturday night I still get horrible stage fright (I became so paralyzed with fear during one song I completely forgot what I was supposed to be playing, and had to just 'fake play' through most of it, just to keep from setting down the fiddle and looking dumb). But there's one difference now - I love playing fiddle so much that I do look forward to that part, and just hope the stupid performance anxiety doesn't interfere so much it ruins the show for me like it more than half did Saturday. So I'm not dreading playing, just dreading the potential stage fright.

I'm working on it (or rather, working on ignoring it, and just getting on with business and fun). Saturday was our first show, and that was probably a lot of the reason for it. Now that I've got that out of the way, I am hoping tonight I can just chill and enjoy myself.

Check In, Check Up, Check Out

I can sum up the past few weeks in one word. Blah. Or possibly !$^%#&*^$!!

I don't know why, but apparently I don't handle stress well anymore. Maybe it's because I'm getting older, maybe I'm getting wiser (knowing when too much is enough and internally rebelling, if not outwardly), maybe I'm just getting lazy or finally going completely insane.

Whatever the reason, the fact to deal with is I don't handle it well. Maybe I should define stress - I'm talking about anything that leaves me feeling like I have more to do than time to do it, with the sub-definition of having so much I have to do that I don't have time for what I want to do.

I've hit a point in my life that has eluded me for many years - getting to be creative again, getting to make things. I've always made things, as long as I can remember. In my 20s, when I was first married, then later divorced and on my own for the first time, I made things all the time. I was always sewing, or crocheting (hadn't learned to knit yet then), along with small forays into other creative endeavors.

For a long time I fell out of doing those types of things. Not long after my mom first got sick, in 2001, I taught myself to knit, and through that 6 year long downward spiral, I knit all the time. Then, for quite awhile after my dad passed away, I didn't even do that.

Just recently I feel like I've finally climbed out of whatever rabbit hole I had fallen into over the past decade, and things shifted drastically. I've experienced a new surge of creativity, and the longing to indulge it. To make things again.

I started sewing again, and I'm working on making my own clothes, personally tweaked to express my own personality. I've gotten re-interested in beading, and have some ideas for some prayer beads I'd like to make, and take to a local shop I think might be willing to sell them on consignment, and I'm also considering an Etsy account (not because I'm looking to make a bunch of money, but because I want to make something, and then do something with what I make). And, there are some personal jewelry items I'd like to make, as well.

I recently became re-obsessed with the book I wrote, then lost when my laptop was stolen - I seriously want to re-write that book.

And those are just the big things. I also still like knitting (and would at least like to finish the baby blankets I've got going), and there's reading I want to do, and some painting projects I want to do, and some embroidery projects.

There are so many things I want to do, and I just can't freaking find time to do them. Okay, maybe it's asking a lot to have time to do all those things, but right now I can't even find time to do any of them.

The other side of that coin is work. To be fair, I don't "hate" my job ... I know I always say that, but it's not entirely accurate. The individual tasks I do each day aren't that awful. My boss, while being a bit of a ... no, I really shouldn't say that on a public blog - is underneath it all a pretty good boss. I mean, yesterday I went in an hour and 15 minutes late, and didn't even call in (just feeling rebellious), and he never said a word about it, in fact I don't even think he noticed. I asked to leave early today because we have a show tonight, and he was totally okay with it. He's pretty easy, when you get right down to it.

But the work is completely and totally overwhelming. It is deadline after deadline after deadline, with never an hour to just take a deep breath or take my time on any project, it's always non-stop rushing. Things that don't (or didn't when I got them) have deadlines get shoved off to the side, and I can't get to them at all - until so much time has gone by they've turned into an emergency, because of clients finally getting pissed off that their work's not done, or because of the simple passage of time (work on a case that doesn't have court for 3 months isn't a fire, until 2 1/2 months have passed and I couldn't get to it).

I'm so sick of the hamster-in-a-wheel-on-crack feeling that my job invokes. I've been told "just ignore the pressure, do what you can, and that's got to be good enough." That doesn't really work, for 3 reasons. These tasks have legitimate, court-imposed deadlines. If I blow them, it's my boss that gets in trouble, not me - but the doodoo trickles downhill, and that's the one time he'll be a raging asshole - when I cause him to blow a deadline. The second reason is my own stupid conscience - I just can't know that something has a deadline, and not be concerned about getting it done. The third reason is the clients, who will call and start yelling at me if things take too long, yet I'm not allowed to tell them 'the truth' - I'm too busy to get to your work right now. Every client has to be made to feel if they are the most important client we have, but I don't know how to do that when I can't stop what I'm doing and deal with their personal emergency.

I "should" go in and work a little overtime to get caught up, but (a) I have no time for that either, and (b) I just don't want to. The 37.5 hours a week I spend there already feel like too much, I get almost physically ill at the thought of spending any more time there. I routinely go in late because, even when I'm up early enough to get there on time, I just can't seem to force myself to do it. I procrastinate and screw off morning after morning, just unable to get motivated. (this morning's a good example, I'm currently on track to be about 15 minutes late again today, and just can't drum up the motivation to care).

So I come home mentally exhausted, with no energy to do anything else except muddle through dinner, veg in front of the TV for an hour or two, and go to bed.

I'm getting really sick of it. But I'm unsure what to do about it.

I would love to quit this job, but ... gotta make a living. Unfortunately now, with the big-ass house, gotta make a good living. I'd like to cut my hours to part time again (I did that once before, and it was one of the best things I ever did in life; it's also when I wrote the first draft of the now-lost book). But (a) I've done the math and am unsure I could live on those cut wages now, and (b) more difficult to overcome, I'm pretty sure my boss would never go for it. I mean, I can't get my work done now as it is. He would be totally unwilling to work out any compromise, like hiring another part-time person to do the work I couldn't get done. I could just say "I'm doing this, period" - it is still a free world, I'm not slave labor. But his stance would be, you still have to get your work done, period. And if I can barely do it in 37.5 hours, it's damned unlikely I'm going to get it done in less. Cutting my hours but making my job even more un-doable isn't probably going to help.

I do know that right now part of the reason I'm on duty overload is because of the band. I love the band, I love making music, I especially love playing fiddle. It's just an overwhelming time for the band right now, because we have shows tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday; 2 or 3 shows on St. Patrick's Day (there was a 5:00 a.m. thing going on, but I think my brain finally snapped on that one, and I'm not going to be able to do it), another show that Friday night, and a private party Saturday night. It's been non-stop playing or practicing lately, and it's really just a lot. It's totally pre-empted regular life for awhile. Like, this weekend - we have three gigs, but I still have to find time to make a grocery list, go to the grocery store, cook for the dog, and even if I don't make us full meals, I have to eat something. I have to do laundry. I mean, life goes on, despite how over-booked it is right now.

Because of that, my other interests have been slid off the back burner and dumped somewhere else entirely. The sewing project has been abandoned. I can't find time to sit down and make the bead order, so I can get to work on my first design. I've had no energy to knit (so two almost-done baby blankets are languishing).

I know this band schedule is temporary, I get that. The job problems aren't, and the issue of finding time to pursue my other goals is not.

The bottom line is, life is totally out of balance right now, and I not only hate it, I'm unwilling to accept it or let it continue. But I haven't yet figured out how to fix it. But I know me, and I know the warning signs ... if I don't fix it soon, a good old-fashioned melt down is brewing.

Tara's Fire v. 3.0- Stout Fueled Irish Rock!

For those of you who haven't yet heard, Tara's Fire (the new version .... all electric, with me on FIDDLE!) has our first show tomorrow ... oh, excuse me, today - March 6, 2010 at 9:00 p.m. at the Meigh Eo Tavern, 706 Steel Street, Youngstown, Ohio.

Come enjoy (it's a hugely FUN show!), cheer and support the band!!

Rayne Of Tara

It's Official: I've Jacobellis'd

No gold for me. Just couldn't do it. Well, I could have, but I didn't. For some reason, about Thursday or so I just stopped knitting, and didn't pick it back up. In fact, I got involved in several other new projects instead, and that's what I spent my weekend doing.

Oh well. Wasn't meant to be.

As for the new projects ... I'm excited. I've started sewing again. Many years ago I attempted to make clothes, and wasn't entirely successful, mostly because I was using store-bought patterns (which rarely fit anyone without some adjustment), but didn't have the expertise to fit them properly.

Then not too many years ago I discovered a book about how to make your own patterns, custom fit to your body. I was experimenting with this, with promising results, when life started sliding seriously downhill, and continued on that course until, well, maybe last year some time.

I am just now starting to get back to some type of normal life and mental state, and with that has come a renewed interest in many former hobbies. I have the time, I have the space, I have the creativity flowing again. I'm psyched!

In other news, I managed to spill an entire, tall glass of rum and ginger ale all over Spike (the netbook) the other night. Oh, not a dribble - the entire glass, dumped right into the keyboard and splashed all over the screen.

"Panic" is the understatement of the year. I grabbed Spike and flipped him upside down immediately, letting things 'drain.' I powered it off, and pulled the battery, and set it upside down for awhile. Then I cleaned it up and put the battery back and tried it out.

Amazingly, and against all odds, everything works fine. The touchpad was a little wonky for about 12 hours, then straightened out. The keys are decidedly sticky now, but not too bad - not unuseable, just a tad annoying. I guess I can take them off and clean underneath, but that's a project for a weekend. I'll see if I have the nerve to do that, or if I can learn to live with it.

I just hope that's the worst of it, and that it doesn't slowly over time develop more problems. Because I know how big a bullet I dodged there. There's no way this thing should even be working, and I'm totally amazed.