I. Am. So. Screwed.

I think I'm in for a rough couple weeks, if it lasts that long.

I said in my last post that after 12 years of harassment and bullying, I finally couldn't take it anymore, and I told my boss last Wednesday that I was going to start looking for another job.

Initially he was devastated, and practically begging me not to go. I was grateful for his appreciation, but tried to explain to him that I just couldn't take it any more.

One of the reasons I'd never said that to him before, wouldn't say it until I was prepared to have to leave, was because I was afraid there was a chance he'd just wig out and fire me. But initially it didn't look like it was going in that direction.

Today, however, things clouded up. One day last week one of the things my boss started talking to me about was how he always feels so overwhelmed at the office, how he can't keep up with his work, and constantly fears a grievance. I told him that I could think of a dozen things with no effort that we could do to streamline processes, save time, and make the office run more efficiently. In fact, I'd tried to talk to him about many of these things before, but while he'd always say "That's a great idea!" he'd just never do anything about it.

This time he jumped on it, and said that was great, he wanted to hear my ideas, and told me that on Friday we'd get out of the office, go out to lunch or something, and discuss my ideas.

That night I started putting together a list, but then realized - wait a minute. This is so totally not the issue right now. We have a far bigger fish waiting for the fry, he asked for seven days to try to resolve this 12-year-old problem (that's a kind of double entendre, for sure), and that seven days was going to be up Wednesday - we really needed to focus on that, and not get sidetracked on other issues. So I decided I wasn't going to have that meeting with him on Friday after all.

But Friday he seemed to have forgotten about it, and never mentioned it, and I said nothing.

Today when I got there, first thing, he came up to me and said, hey, we forgot about our meeting on Friday, we have to reschedule that, how about today. I took a deep breath, and calmly said, "Well, actually, I'd like to postpone that meeting, because it occurred to me that we have a bigger issue to deal with this week, which is far more urgent, and I don't want us to get sidetracked on something else, we need to address this other problem first."

He got pissy. He stalked off angrily, then turned back around and said, "Well, could you at least give me a list? Just write down these 12 'clever ideas' you said you had?" With very snotty emphasis on the 'clever ideas' phrase. It was just a snotty, pissy statement.

I looked at him for a moment, then just said "Okay" and went back to my office.

I debated not doing it, but decided I would anyway, just so as to not give him any excuse to accuse me of not being a team player or trying to help the office. But I wasn't feeling terribly motivated, and didn't get it finished by the end of the day. He didn't ask for it.

A little while after that conversation, he went and closeted himself in the office manager's office, for about 20 minutes ... then came out all cheerful, even with me.

So, I'm quite paranoid about that. I'm fairly certain that he's told her what's going on, and I'm concerned that they are, together, cooking up something pretty shitty for me. She's very persuasive with him, and he always listens the most to the last person who said anything to him. Since he's not talking to me, that'd be her. God alone knows what kind of utter and complete bullshit she's feeding him.

I knew when I did this that I took the chance of it going this way. I'd hoped for more adult-level dealing, but apparently my hopes were misplaced. I think things are about to go horribly downhill for me at this place.

And certainly nothing's changed with her. She's still using the bottom step outside my door as my 'in-basket,' refusing to speak to me, and has currently not produced my health insurance check, which is due now (I have a private policy which my boss pays, but she has to give me the check every month). It's not late yet, but it's getting close, and is past the time she usually gives it to me by.

I'm totally torn as to what to do. I'm horribly tempted to just quit - with or maybe without a 2 weeks notice - to just get the &$@* out of there before something really awful happens. But I'm really worried as to how that will effect my future job prospects. I've considered giving a two weeks notice, then just looking afterwards. But I don't know what I'd tell potential employers as to why I did things in that order.

Another alternative is to try to find something as fast as I possibly can. Maybe I can look into temp work. I could always say I quit this job and purposely did temp work because I wanted to explore other fields until I found something I wanted to do - because I wanted to get out of the legal field. After 19 years of depressing divorce cases, that wouldn't be too hard for anyone to buy.

Or, I could quit and start drinking 24/7, and then get Social Security Disability for incurable alcoholism. Apparently it's possible - we had a client who did it. Of course, he died in his 40s of liver failure. But then again, I just found out the girl who works at the office next door died of a heart attack over the weekend, and she was only in her 40s ... that's probably the direction I'm headed in if I don't get a break pretty soon. (I morbidly wondered if I could get her job, but I remembered that before they hired her, the other girl there, Kim, told me about the opening, but you have to be a paralegal - and I'm not).

I am so screwed.