And so, finally ... it begins.

I've been trying to write this blog post for three days. It isn't easy. (and I've edited it even since it was posted).

Earlier this week I told my boss that I was going to begin looking for a new job. This is a big deal, for a couple reasons.

First, I've been there for 14 years. I've worked myself up to a place where I make really decent money (for this area, for someone with no formal training), which gives me a quite comfortable standard of living. I also have a lot of perks and benefits on this job, and ultimate job security - I would never, ever have to worry about being let go, for any reason. (and, I just bought a house less than 2 years ago!)

Second, my boss relies on me absolutely. I manage a large chunk of his legal practice, autonomously, with little to no intervention on his part. Which means, for him, he knows that vital work will get done, get done right, and get done on time without his having to even think about it. That's a pretty valuable thing for an attorney or any boss to have - and he knows that he'd have a very, very hard time replacing me. Not that I've ever considered myself irreplaceable, because I haven't - though my boss himself has said that I practically am. From his perspective, finding someone who can do the work, and going through the requisite time and training until he can trust them like he trusts me, would take years - years during which he'd suddenly have a very hard time of it, because he'd have to get very hands-on again with the work, monitoring and supervising everything. Something he doesn't want to do. Not to mention that finding anyone else who will put up with the circumstances that are causing me to leave is almost impossible, in itself.

So it's not that I can't be replaced, but it would be very, very inconvenient and difficult for him in the meantime.

For those reasons, my ever leaving there was really not considered an option. Until this week.

I always said I would never even start looking for a job behind my boss' back, without at least telling him. This was in part because, except for one major thing (which I'll get to in a minute), he's always been a very good boss, and personally been very good to me, having done me some pretty decent favors that have nothing to do with work. Out of respect for him, I felt I owed him the decency to warn him if I decided to look for another job, instead of simply giving him a mere two weeks' notice to try to replace me - as much as he relies on me, that would just be nasty.

The other important consideration was that, despite that in most things I'm bullet-proof with him, I always knew that if I was actively seeking a new job, it just might piss him off enough that he could turn on me, and he might even fire me. So I knew that I could never use that as a threat to get something from him (not that I would) or to try to force a change in this intolerable situation, and if I was ever going to say I was looking for a new job, I had to be absolutely, 100% prepared to really leave this job - possibly earlier than planned. Because he might just decide to fire me instead.

Well, he didn't (yet). When I told him, he was extremely devastated and upset. He really didn't want me to leave. But he did understand why (more on that, again, in a minute). First he asked me to give him just 7 days to try to work out a solution. Against my better judgment, but again out of respect for him, I agreed. So my hands are tied until this coming Thursday; then I can proceed upon my job hunt.

It was kind of a waste of time, because there's not going to be anything he can do to fix the situation. The only fix available at this point, he won't take the step.

What's this all about? I've been harassed by a co-worker for the last 12 years, the entire time she's worked there. People who know me know enough of it that there's nothing I need to say. People who don't know me, there's no way to explain the situation fully in any amount of blog posts. But I can try to sum it up like this.

This co-worker has harassed and bullied me for 12 years. She routinely yells at me, talks down to me in an incredibly snotty, condescending manner, and just makes nasty, mean comments to me. Now, she doesn't do this 100% of the time. About, maybe, 20% of the time she acts normal - just treating me like any normal person treats any co-worker, pleasant and decent. But it's that other 80% that I can't take. And the 20/80 split isn't always spread out over a standard work week. She might be decent for a month or two, then go for six or eight months treating me like that every single day.

It's also not just me. She has treated every single person who works in that office like that, for 12 years. We can't keep people working there, in large part because of her. We've gone through about 25 people in the 14 years I've been there, and all but one or two of them left either mostly or at the very least in part because of her treatment of them.

The current crop of employees all hate her, because she's such a nasty bitch to everyone all the time.

But what's impossible to explain in a mere blog post is, she's not just a 'difficult' person, she's not just a little mean - she's completely over the top whacked, it's impossible to get along with her, to please her, or to even endure her for very long. She's not just mean, she often has screaming fits of absolute rage, where you really don't know what she's going to do.

Everyone who currently works there, and everyone who has had any amount of contact with her on a regular basis that I've ever talked to, all have exactly and completely the same opinion: we all think she has a real mental disorder, and needs to be on medication. Lately even the boss admitted to me that he feels the same way! (why he's not doing anything about it, I'll get to in a minute). Even her own family has contacted my boss twice in the last two years expressing concern for her mental state, and asking his intervention. (to date, as far as I know, he's ignored these requests).

It's possible that she's bipolar, I don't know - I'm no mental health expert. I do know that I've never in my life known anyone who can be so just downright mean - she will say the nastiest things designed solely just to be as hurtful and rotten as possible. And as I said, it's not just that, it's sometimes fits of absolute rage.

A few years ago she had a major meltdown, screaming at a co-worker so bad that this person walked out and never returned. Around the same time the boss was receiving complaints about her from EVERYONE - the office staff, clients, every one of his friends who ever call the office, just about everyone. When he sat her down to try to talk to her, she flew into one of those fits of rage at him and stormed out of the office. (He is not immune to her treatment either, so he also gets it first hand - he just has more control over the situations than we do because he's the boss). That time he was actually pissed, and seriously considered firing her. I told him then - again - that I didn't see how I could continue working with her. He promised me that as a condition of not firing her, he would 'make her' get mental health treatment and any medication she needed.

Unfortunately, he didn't follow through. Which he now admits he wished he'd have done, but ... it's too late now.

While I said she treats everyone like this, she has had a personal vendetta against me in particular for years, for I believe a couple reasons. First, I'm the only person still there who has been there longer than her, and she can't (or hadn't been able to) get rid of. If I had left, she would be totally in charge because she'd have the place by the balls, basically. She could be as much of a tyrant as she wants, and there would be no one to thwart her at all. But with me there, I'm always a thorn in her side. I encourage people to not take her shit, to go to the boss and complain about her - NOT until they've come to me first. I never start out with any new employee by bad-mouthing her, I never say a word until they've finally given up and come to me to ask WTF. I've been accused in the past of 'purposely turning new employees against her,' but it's ludicrous. A), I don't, and B), I don't have to, as she does that herself quickly enough. I had also never had any qualms about going to the boss and complaining about her myself - even though it rarely did me any good, I still did it. At least, until about a year ago when that began to backfire because he began to tell her. Then I just gave up. But despite how much she ruins my job for me, I'm the one person she can't cow, who won't just back down and kiss her ass because of being afraid of her - like everyone else does.

So that's one set of reasons she has a particular hatred for me. I'm the only one she can't completely control, and the only one who has been there longer than her, thwarting her plans at Total Office Domination.

The other reason is this. About 5 or 6 years ago, she slammed me up against a wall. It wasn't calculated, as in she came up to me, grabbed me and slammed up against the wall. It was more subtle than that. She'd been in one of her horrible bad moods, just evil bad, a sort of simmering rage, for days. I was walking down a hallway when she came flying out of a doorway I was nearing, walking so fast she was almost running. She initially bumped into me, because of her hurry and her anger. But that's where things went awry. As soon as she made contact with me, instead of stopping, moving away, even maybe saying "I'm sorry" or "Are you okay?" like any normal person would do - instead she leaned in and just slammed me up against the wall, then went on by, without saying a word. Much the way a rude person might push someone out of their way if they were rushing through a crowd for some dire emergency.

It didn't matter to me that it wasn't calculated and pre-planned, it was still utter bullshit. In the moment she had to make a decision, she chose to do the wrong thing, to take her psychotic rage out on me because I happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Well, I told the boss I wouldn't work with her anymore. I left for the day, and told him I would not be back to work until he could guarantee my safety. I considered quitting. I considered filing assault charges against her. But something happened. Because this wasn't planned by me, I was in no real position to lose my income just then. And the next day, my boss was mad at ME. He'd talked to her, she'd of course denied the whole thing, and he'd decided that I was just making mountains out of molehills, blowing the whole thing out of proportion, and trying to cause trouble. He as much as ordered me back to work, and I began to fear he was going to fire me - and that I might not even be able to collect unemployment, because it was my word against hers, and the boss obviously believed her. (That's also why I didn't just quit and attempt to collect unemployment, or file charges against her - because it was my word against hers, with no witnesses; she'd never done anything like that before; and my boss was siding with her; I figured I'd never be believed, and would look like a trouble-causing liar in the process).

So I settled on a compromise of working part time.

This worked pretty well for a few years - the perk of only having to be there a few hours a day went a long ways to offsetting having to be in the same building with her, and she was so furious at me that she mostly stayed away from me for months. But unfortunately someone eventually quit (again), and I was forced to go back to work full time.

Meanwhile, the boss told me later that since that time, she particularly 'detested me' - because she still maintained that I had fabricated the whole thing simply to cause her problems, and maybe to have an excuse to go part time (which I otherwise would never have been able to do). In fact, at the time he told me this, a year or two ago, he almost seemed to be implying that her hatred of me, and accordingly her treatment of me, was my fault, because of what "I" did. (that was then; he now admits she's nuts, though I still don't know whether he ever believed me about that incident).

So those are a few of the reasons I am her particular favorite target.

The reasons the boss won't do anything about her are complex and convoluted. Since her first days in the office, she's been ass-kissing the boss and his entire family - she made a point of ingratiating herself with them early on, and also trying to make herself as indispensable as possible. She handles all my boss' personal bills and financial matters, is hip deep in his children's school, church and social activities, as well as their medical care; she is the liason between his mother's nursing home and him; and she cares for the boss' aging and ailing father, in addition to her office work. She's like his personal valet and servant, in addition to the office manager, where she also handles ALL the money and finances of the office. He's come to rely on her so totally and completely in his personal life that I think he's afraid he just couldn't function without her.

Despite her craziness, he also considers her a friend. She goes to all their important family functions, holidays, birthdays, church functions, etc.

Lately he's begun to admit that he knows she's crazy, but he says he simply doesn't know what to do. He says he "can't" fire her. I think this is in large part because he's afraid of what she'd do. I have no doubt she would completely and totally lose her mind if he fired her - her entire being is so wrapped up in being his family's personal assistant and his office manager, that I think she'd just completely come unglued if he fired her. And I think he knows that, and doesn't want to be the 'cause' of that. Despite he admits she's nuts, he also says he does care about her. And, she's VERY close with the boss' father, so for that reason also, he doesn't want to do anything that drastic.

For years, in his ongoing refusal to deal with the situation - for those reasons - he left us all thrown to the wolves. He refused to do anything when I complained about her. Everyone else became afraid to complain about her, as everyone knew that he wouldn't do anything, and he might instead get mad at them for badmouthing this person who was so important to him. For awhile he started telling her every time someone complained about her - his excuse was that he couldn't correct the problem if he couldn't tell her what the problem was. This only resulted in her becoming furious at the person who complained, and making their life even more than usual a living hell for awhile. Which meant, of course, that we had no recourse whatsoever against her treatment of us.

I am not sure whether the boss really thought that would help, or whether it was his way of trying to avoid the whole issue - because it certainly resulted in everyone (myself included) refusing to bother telling him anything anymore. He has a track record of trying to avoid dealing with this situation. So to his way of thinking, the problem was resolved, at least for him - he didn't have to hear about it anymore.

Problem was, it certainly wasn't resolved, and has now escalated to new levels of unendurability.

As for why we - the employees - couldn't just gang up and say 'Screw you, we've had enough.' Well - it's just not possible with her. If it were a "normal," sane but just mean, nasty person, this might work. Not with her. There is no "reasoning" with her, it's simply impossible. The minute you even try to suggest anything that constitutes criticism of her (or she even thinks does), she flies into a rage. You can't have, much less win an argument with her, because she will just talk louder and louder until she's screaming so that you can't possibly say one word. She will resort to nasty, mean, horrific things to say to you, anything to shut you up. No morals, there are no lines she won't cross at all. Since none of the rest of us are confrontational, nasty people, it's like - well, it'd be kind of like putting a grizzly bear and a small friendly dog in a cage. She'd just maul us, and we'd never have a chance, because none of us can think as evilly as she does, or would resort to the tactics she would use to 'win.'

I know. I tried, just once, and it was horrific. Never again.

So ... that's where the situation was last week when she finally did one last thing to me that was just that proverbial final straw. And then, after that happened, I began to discover that for about the last couple weeks, she has been actively sabotaging my ability to do my job. Which is a new low even for her - that's one thing I've never really had a problem with, with her before, I always assumed because she knew that sabotaging my work would ultimately negatively impact the attorney, not just me. But apparently things have changed. A bunch of stuff all began becoming evident all at once, that all could be traced directly back to her - taking documents, information and phone messages from clients whose cases I am solely responsible for, then making sure that I don't get the information, and that it's not even scanned in (it's office policy to scan every document that comes into the office; if that were done, when documents came up missing, I could at least re-print them; but by not scanning them, I can't even do that). Not providing me with information from clients that only she has, which causes me to miss deadlines or not be able to complete tasks the attorney relies on me to do. In one instance, even making disparaging comments about me to a client (I don't know who, so I can't even ask the client to corroborate - I over heard her end of the conversation, and know she was talking to a client at the time - but don't know which one).

It's just gone too far. And my boss will not do anything about her because he can't.

So, for all that ... I finally told him last week I'm going to start looking for another job. I hate that I have to do this, as after 14 years I've worked myself into a position I won't be able to easily replicate starting brand new somewhere else. I'm going to probably take a cut in pay and benefits, and not have anywhere near the freedom and autonomy I have at this job.

But ... I just can't take this harassment and sabotage anymore. Life's too short for this, and I deserve better. Financial security is a beautiful thing, but no amount of it can make up for the abuse and harassment I've had to endure from this psycho, and ... well, to paraphrase an old commercial, no matter what happens financially, the peace of mind and lack of abuse in my life will be priceless.

I don't, however, intend to just fly out of there taking the first job that comes my way. I'm hoping, with the light at the end of the tunnel of knowing I'm finally doing something, to be able to take the time to hunt out a position that's right for me, even target specific places I'd like to work, rather than taking whatever presents itself in the local paper or online job search engines. I want to conduct a proactive job search, not a reactive 'get out at any price' one. And I'm trying to be optimistic that in time, I will find the perfect place for me, with sane reasonable people who respect me and don't abuse me, making good money, a place I enjoy going to every day, instead of dread like now.

One thing could blow this all up. When the slamming me up against the wall incident occurred, initially my boss was upset (not at me), frustrated, and sympathetic towards me. By the next day he was angry at me, and grew angrier every day for the next several, until I returned to work. He'd begun to blame me. After he talked to her.

I told him on Wednesday that I was going to leave. For the rest of the week he was not angry at me, but very upset at the situation, and desperate to try to fix it and keep me. But if, over time, things shift again like they did last time, and he grows angry with me for 'abandoning' him and wanting to quit, things could get ugly. It's possible he could find someone else to do my job and just fire me.

That was a chance I knew I'd be taking when I told him, and I'm prepared to accept it, if that's what happens. Anyway, that might not be the end of the world. If he fired me because I told him I was looking for a new job, I could get unemployment without having to worry about anyone believing my story about my crazy co-worker, and then I'd have some income to tide me over, and more free time to work on the job search.

So ... we'll see what the next week brings. I'll keep you posted.