Why Worry Is Worthless; or, How Tyler's Week From Hell Just Got Worse

I've always been a worrier, I know that. I think I inherited it from my mother, who was the same way.

I've finally learned a really valuable lesson. There's absolutely no point in it - not just because it's unhealthy or serves no real purpose. No, for a totally different reason.

Because the really bad things that happen are not the things I ever worried about, ever even thought to worry about. They are things that completely blindside me with no forewarning whatsoever, that I never even considered.

I've been varying degrees of concerned over Tyler's health for several years, since he started getting older. I'd worry about his kidney function, or his heart murmur, or his needing his teeth cleaned and having to be anesthetized to do it (increasingly risky as a dog gets older). I worried about his eyesight getting worse. I worried about his present eye infection and difficulties getting around causing him grief on our trip to North Carolina. For that matter, I worried about a hurricane coming along and derailing our beach vacation.

Last night when I came home from work, and went to put his medicine in his eyes, I noticed something horrifying. It looked like he had a hole in his right eye. I immediately took him to the vet, and that's exactly what it was. She said he'd developed an ulcer in his eye, usually caused by extremely dry eye conditions - like those inherent in an eye infection such as he had. In his case, the ulcer had become so severe it had literally eaten a hole through his eye.

Worse, there may be nothing to be done about it. Her first suggestion was to surgically remove the eye. That was about the most horrifying thing I'd ever experienced, and I asked her if there wasn't any other option? She mentioned this eye clinic in Akron - the same one I'd been considering taking him to for several months to see if he'd be a candidate for cataract surgery. She said sometimes they could do a grafting procedure which would save the eye, though not restore any sight. She didn't know whether he'd be able to have it done, but acquiesced when I said I'd at least like to check and see, before just adopting the far more dire last resort.

So she's going to call them as soon as they open this morning, then call me and let me know if they'll see him, and when. It'll be today, because that's one thing that has to happen -whatever is going to be done, there's no time to ponder over it - it has to be done immediately. She said these things are extremely painful, and also - though she didn't spell it out, she gave me the indication that if it's ignored for any length of time, it can get worse and cause far more serious problems. (I can't imagine what could be more serious than this, but she told me to make sure I put the antibiotic ointment in the eye "ceaselessly" - as often as I possibly can - so I assume infection's a big risk).

So you see - that was sure as hell something that had never, ever, in my worst nightmares, crossed my mind as even existing as a possibility. So all the things I worried about were a waste of time, as - once again - I'm blindsided by the horrific that I didn't even know existed.

I have no idea what's going to happen. The vet did tell me that if I opt for (or he has to have) the surgery to remove his eye, apparently - supposedly - it's not that big a deal to dogs. She fluffed it off as a relatively routine surgery, she said in fact they'd done two of them already this month. She said that if it's done in the morning, he can come home the same day. One of the dogs they'd done this surgery on this month was an older Yorkie, and she said he was barking, jumping and happy after he came out of the anesthesia - because he was in so much pain before the surgery, that to him, he wasn't fretting over the loss of an eye, but rejoicing because the pain was gone.

Tyler's probably been in a similar amount of pain and I just didn't know it, because he's always been very 'stiff upper lip' about pain, pretty much keeping it to himself, not whining or showing obvious signs of it. Despite that I've been looking at his eyes every day for weeks, I saw no sign of this at all until Monday night. But it must have been lurking under the surface, and I just couldn't see it, as I doubt it was something that happened all in one day, on Monday. I curse the vet I saw on Friday, as he didn't even examine Tyler's eyes up close - just basically looked at them on the outside, from a distance - and maybe if he had, he'd have seen this. But ... who knows if even then it wouldn't have been too late, and second-guessing isn't going to solve anything now.

She also pointed out that since Tyler's mostly blind anyway, the loss of the eye wouldn't - again - be any loss to him, but instead would be more of a gain, as he'd be out of pain.

So according to the vet this wouldn't be a 'big deal' to Tyler. I can't begin to say whether I think that's true or not, because I'm personally too absolutely horrified by the prospect to get past that.

Basically I think there's just no point in even thinking past the next five minutes, anymore. And as for vacation - that's totally up in the air, for me at least. The vet said that if I opted for the eye removal surgery, there was no reason he couldn't still go on the trip this weekend ... I'd just have to be prepared to care for him very carefully, but he should be fine.

But I'd much prefer that he can have the Akron procedure, which would probably preclude going at all. And regardless of which he has, I'm not sure going on a trip like that with him just having had such surgery is really a good idea at all, despite what the vet says.

Believe me, I'd willingly give up the vacation if Tyler's eye can be salvaged ... but it may come down to the worst of both worlds, regardless - losing his eye and not getting to go on my annual, much-looked-forward-to trip to the coast. (I can't just reschedule the trip, because by the time I miss all the work I'm going to miss for this, I won't have any vacation time left; the two other people who are going probably can't both coordinate the rescheduling of their vacations too; and, if we don't go, we'll probably lose the money we paid for the beach house, as although I bought trip insurance, and it does cover inability to travel due to illness, I'm pretty sure that only counts if it's humans - I don't believe the insurance covers illness of a pet that we planned to take with us).

Five minutes at a time. That's all I'm bothering with any more.

UPDATE. The local vet called awhile ago. She spoke to the ophthalmologist specialist in Akron. She told him Tyler's condition, his medical history, his age, all of it - and the specialist said he'd see Tyler today at 2:45 (because he's in surgery all morning). He said that grafting might be an option, and he also said - "sometimes these things heal on their own." That was news that I never expected. I'm trying desperately not to get my hopes up with that, but it's damned near impossible. (hope is almost as evil as worry) She did say, and I didn't imagine or extrapolate this, that he sounded "optimistic." And he knew the worst of it, including Tyler's age and about his existing cataracts. So .... I'll know more later today.

Five minutes at a time. Just that, no more.