It's been so long since I posted, I almost forgot how to find the blog. I guess a lot has been going on.
I've said similar things before, but (unfortunately) the more time goes by, the more true this is becoming. My job is the Titanic. Everytime I think it can't really get any worse, it does. I work for a small law office - one attorney and three full time staff members, that's it. My boss has almost stopped working entirely, and one of my co-workers has dubbed herself the "Office Manager" in his absence, and is trying to micromanage the place to pieces, despite the fact that she doesn't even know how to do the jobs she's trying to force people to do her way (which is usually wrong and ineffective at best, and sometimes downright illegal at worst). It's an ultimate recipe for disaster.
It's kept me pretty distracted. I am feeling backed into a corner with no way out, with this place. I know that's not really true - there are always options. But my problem to date has been two-fold: the only options I see are not ones I have been very successful at taking; and I just can't seem to see the better ones yet. I suppose I have blinders on and need to learn to think outside the box.
As for the first scenario - not liking the options I can see - all that's been suggested to me or I've figured out on my own so far has been to learn to stop letting it get to me. To do what I can, forget about the rest, and ignore the 'office manager' entirely. She has a loud bark, but can't really 'do anything' to me if I ignore her - her power doesn't extend that far, she can't take any real action, she can't take any "disciplinary action" against me - this office doesn't even have such policies in place. I can't get written up, and I know for a fact she can't fire me. The worst she can do is yell at me or chastise me (which she does several times a week) but again, I have the option to just ignore her, as that's about all she can do.
While that is probably the only real option I have in the short term, I find it very hard. I have a hard time ignoring stupid, ignorant people who are causing more problems then they are claiming to solve, and who are chastising me when they have absolutely no right or authority to do so. My ego has a hard time letting me ignore this kind of treatment. But ... I think I'm going to have to work at it. Not only to save my short-term sanity, but because it's probably a useful skill for all of life, anyway. The world's too full of power-crazed idiots for me to let every one of them get to me.
As for the better options I can't see yet, this would involve leaving the insane place. And that would probably be the best thing I could do - this place being such a mess isn't a new problem, but one that's been steadily growing for a long time, so it's obviously not going to get any better. Except - again - for one minor detail: I have no freaking idea where to go. Jobs around my area are scarce. Very scarce. This is a mostly dead rust belt town, and any random run through the local classifieds, Monster.com, or CareerBuilder.com turns up a bunch of crap jobs paying nothing. Trust me, I've tried these routes many times.
I've considered for years just picking a new career, getting whatever training I need for it, and moving on to something entirely new, but I run into a huge roadblock: I have never, ever been able to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I can't seem to choose a new career, nothing I think of sounds like anything I really want to do all day, every day. I've tried everything I can think of to sort this one out: I've read dozens of books, you know the ones: "Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow" and "It's Only To Late If You Don't Start Now" (Barbara Sher) and "Finding Your North Star" (Martha Beck) and the like. They've never helped me pin anything down. I don't fault the books (those last two are particularly good; the first one I never actually read, I am just familiar with the title and it fits in with the genre). It's not the authors' fault - it's me, some flaw or block I have that is stopping me from recognizing or accepting some new direction for my life. Probably fear - of choosing the wrong thing and having to start over again, of failing, of being broke and destitute and homeless - any number of things.
I've asked bunches of friends who know me well what kind of thing it seems to them I might be good at - not looking for someone else to tell me 'what to do,' but brainstorming ideas I might never have thought of on my own. Though I appreciated their help, inwardly I rejected all the ideas for the same reasons I reject every other idea - there's always some reason. I couldn't do that, I wouldn't be any good at that, I wouldn't make enough money to support myself doing that, it involves too much math / too much science / too much working with people.
I know I'm sabotaging myself by making too many excuses - I do recognize that, at least! - but as of yet I don't seem to know how to fix it. I don't do it 'on purpose' because I'm just lazy (no one who is 'lazy' would put up with the job I've got now, as it makes enormous demands on me). I think it truly is just a deep seated fear of jumping off of known ground into deep, murky water, and I just haven't managed to work through it yet.
Well. I've got to start working a little harder at it soon, because it's becoming increasing obvious that things just can't be left to go on as they are. Every time this office takes another nose dive I wig out for awhile, being upset and depressed, then things stabilize at their new low level, and I find myself thinking, "Okay, this isn't so bad, I can deal with this - if it doesn't get any worse." But it always does. It always gets worse eventually, and nothing ever takes an 'upswing' there. If I want to be smart, I'm going to have to finally 'get' that, and do what I need to do about it. Life's too short to keep being this miserable so many hours a week, and I wasn't kidding when I said getting out of there might save my life ... I'm stressing way too much about this place anymore, and stress will wreak various levels of havoc on anyone over time. I drink too much, I smoke too much, most nights I can't sleep without a sleeping pill anymore, and even then I often wake up at 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning, completely unable to go back to sleep till near dawn. I spend most of every day feeling like I'm going to have a heart attack (and with my health habits, at 42, I may well be). This is a textbook example of one author's perfect phrase: "This isn't making a living, this is making a dying."
So buck up, girl - it's time to crawl out of the cocoon and turn into something new! Before it's too late!!
Hey, I just gave myself a pretty good rah-rah speech. I'll keep you posted as to how it goes. Oh - and with the recent stress, I haven't been knitting at all - very disappointed in myself over that. I'm going to be needing that sweater any day, and it's no where near done. We'll see what I can do about that in the coming weeks, too.
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