I thought I ought to check in here again. It's Sunday morning, the one morning a week I'm usually sitting around being lazy and letting the day slowly unfold around me. And writing - journal entries or blog posts or email.
This past week both dragged by in gelatinous slow motion, and disappeared so quickly I can't quite wrap my head around the fact that it's Sunday again already. Tomorrow I have to go back to work (I took the whole week off, and my boss was very cool about that - not that he had any choice, but he was - that stupid 3 days off for a death in the family is ludicrous), and begin adjusting to the sharp left turn life has taken. Coming straight home from work, not going to my dad's to fix dinner every night. Having the entire rest of the afternoon and evening to myself, with no obligations or anything particular to do. It's going to be strange.
There are so many things now that I think about, that I could do, that I haven't had time for in so long ... get back to work on the recordings and CDs I wanted to make. Get the house cleaned up. Have time for my quilt again. Begin the yard work that so desperately needs done.
I don't care. I'd really rather be still going to dad's to make dinner. Despite that I complained about how hard it was and how tired I was, I'd still rather be doing that.
But that's not an option, so I suppose I have to work with what I have. I think I need to stop thinking so much, about all the stuff that needs done and decisions that need made, and maybe for a few weeks at least just rest. I really need to rest. Sitting on my back porch in the evening doing nothing ... just looking at the yard. Going to bed early, and getting lots of sleep. Trying to start eating better again, which is going to be a real challenge ... food is a real problem for me now, since just the thought of grocery shopping or cooking now makes me want to just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head. But I've got to start taking better care of myself now.
One of the things I have to stop thinking about for awhile, because I can't yet seem to wrap my head around it, is the issue with the house. So of course, I'll write about it instead. That'll help me stop thinking. (sarcasm alert)
My dad always intended that I should have his house, primarily because it's a nicer house than mine in a nicer neighborhood. It's not a big fancy house, although it is a bit larger than mine, but it's the type of house that I never would have been able to afford myself, so he wanted to leave it to me as a way for me to have a better place to live. The plan was that I'd get the house, and at some point pay my brother half the value to equalize things, probably by getting a loan on the house just for half the equity.
In preparation for that, two years ago he deeded the house to me, and he planned to pay the mortgage off this summer with money he'd been saving, so that I could have the house free and clear, and then when things were settled, when I'd sold my house or done whatever I wanted with it, I could get a loan to pay my brother his half the equity. But the mortgage didn't get paid off, and now I have a house deeded to me, but also a mortgage payment that I can't afford along with my own current mortgage. He left a savings account as well, which my name has been on for convenience, so I now have full access to the money. But I can't just use all that money to pay off the mortgage, for two reasons. First, because there are going to be bills coming in that must be paid out of that money. And second, I'm not sure my brother is entirely in agreement yet that that's how the money should be used. And though my name's on it, I still consider it equally ours - it was what my dad left for both of us to split equally. So I don't feel comfortable just making unilateral decisions about it.
Aside from the quandary of what to do about the two houses and the two mortgages, there's a more emotional aspect. If I decide not to move into the house and instead sell it, I would have to deal with disposing of all of both my dad's and my mom's stuff (because he just left all her things in the house when she passed away, and didn't really deal with any of it) right now, in the next few weeks, when I'm really not ready to deal with it. If I moved in there, I could take my time dealing with all that stuff over time, as I felt up to it. Not to mention selling the house itself ... I know this isn't 'true' but just emptying out and selling off his house so quickly feels like ... I don't know, just feels weird, as if I'm just eradicating his presence from the world.
I'm just not ready to deal with any of it. But unfortunately I don't have the leisure to wait till I'm ready. A decision has to be made about the house by the end of May, because my brother agreed we could continue to use the 'joint money' for the bills at the house till then, but by then, if I'm planning to take over the house, I should begin paying the bills there myself. And that's fair. But doesn't leave me unlimited time to dwell on (or ignore) this decision.
I keep going back to one thing ... my dad never, ever wanted this to be so hard. That's the whole reason he was doing the things he was doing, to make things as easy as possible. So I think at some point I have to stop over-thinking the whole thing and figure out what would be easiest, and what would dad have wanted me to do.
No comments:
Post a Comment